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Remembering my Glasto gig in 2013 when I was on at the same time as the Rolling Stones. They had a bigger audience than me…..

Me in the Balham microclimate

Good luck to Palace today. I would say break a leg but that doesn’t seem right for football

Got a gig with MI6 and have to go to Moscow to be a honey trap. Any tips?

What a player, what a presenter, what a fine fellow. Someone should write a play about him #GaryLineker

Just earned another 4p from my OnlyFans account!

If life gives you avocados make avocado vinaigrette

FOR ONE NIGHT ONLY - KNEBWORTH : JUNE Tickets, Sat 7 Jun 2025 at 20:00 | Eventbrites. eventbrite.co.uk/e/for-one-nigh…

RIP some bloke called John who I never knew or heard of

I hope this doesn’t shock too many of you but I have a confession: I don’t really like broccoli 🥦

Good listening

Thinking of joining a cult Anyone recommend a good one? The more bonkers the better

Sending thoughts be prayers to all the train staff who endlessly have to spout the world’s most irritating phrase ‘see it, say it, sorted.’

We’re recruiting for the Balham Cowboys Cheerleaders. Apply here

Flat to rent Balham. ONLY £2300 monthly

Been asked to be the new editor of Vogue but going to remain Mayor of Balham

I’m the Messiah. Context has been added. This may not be true

Off to work

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Puddle outside Balham Sainsbury’s replenished!