Me: what do you do? Man: I work in shipping... Me: Shipping what? Man: Shipping containers My Brain:

Kids are like printers. They trick you into having them cause there's no upfront cost but then the ink is really really expensive. And if you don't get the right ink they go haywire and shit on the cobbles.

If people drove everywhere the way they drive around supermarket carparks, we would all be dead.

Do they call the Trampolining Championships, the Champolining? Or do they call it the Trampionships? Is there a Trampion on here I can ask?

Texas: I think we might be the stupidest thing in the news this September. David Seymour:

Weird that my boyfriend's snoring didn't make it onto my Spotify wrapped? Had that shit on repeat

Me trying to have a deep conversation: How do you think other people see me? My 6ft 2" boyfriend: They look down.

Who decided spiders have 8 legs?? Surely some of those are arms?

I have never appreciated being a full time comedian as much as this morning when I took the bin out at 9:00 in my dressing gown, in front of a long line of stationary traffic all fully dressed and on their way to work. This is sliving.

I believe the last Rat Czar wasn't catching many rats because it turned out he had a tiny rat under his hat controlling him. A Mole-rat if you will. gothamist.com/news/nyc-is-hi…

Can't wait for next time I'm in trouble for not doing something important I can cleverly distract my mum by saying that one day my sister might be unprepared for an earthquake. Foolproof. #waynebrown #aucklandfloods #WayneWayneGoAway

I'll be minding my business when I'm suddenly reminded by my brain that if you ever get defibrillated with nipple piercings, they rip the piercings out!! The thought makes me wince so hard until I remember, I don't even have nipple piercings! Just as a nipple owner, I empathise.