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Going to the graveyard to put a bunch of “I voted” stickers today on headstones today.

The real question as you go into the voting booth today: whose face do you want to see on the sticker that says, “I did that?” plastered on the gas pump for the next 4 years?

I’ve seen enough *puts a loaded gun in my mouth*

I feel like there’s going to be a new stipulation to get social security. Like you have to be 62, have at least 10 years of work, and you have to box Jake Paul.

Ooooooooo Blake Hammond giving it that crowd for his Don't Tell Comedy special 👀🤝🏾🤭

Blake Hammond is a sure thing.

The way things are going, Spirit airlines is about to win comeback player of the year

With how often planes are crashing, maybe he meant heaven?

Kanye is about to defend Subway Jared isn’t he?

I remember Conan O'Brien saying once that trying, or even wanting, to be cool is the death of comedy, and I think that's exactly what most American stand-ups are shooting for. Which is why most American stand-up sucks shit.

US Government: You have to pay back your loans. Japan and China: oh really?

It’d be so funny if Pope Leo has a 26 year reign.

This is his version of “A-Minnnorrr”

I guess DOGE is doing one last fraud check