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You couldn't spring for one more luftballon?

Meet my twin babies, Regal and Beagle.

In summer 1979, the biggest celebrities on the planet were Pope John Paul II, Burt Reynolds, and David Naughton. And they are not listed here in order of popularity.

Childbirth seems like an awful lot of work for an already saturated market

Hey the guy interviewing a convicted sex offender and abuser of children on behalf of a corrupt, orange abuser of children, is named Todd. Fucking Todd.

Interesting fact: Qawi turned pro with zero amateur fights. Zero.

It’s in vogue now, but I’m just gonna go out on a limb and say I don’t think most people know what curated means.

Me: I'd like to thank the Academy. Lady: Sir, this is an AA meeting. Me: Lady: Me: My name is Bob, and I'd like to thank the Academy.

Of all the invading hordes over the centuries the Normans sound least intimidating. Followed closely by the Eugenes and the Melvins.

I hate Sundays. I have to clean up all the poop in my yard. It's really gonna suck when I get a dog.

A friend staying with me was homesick, so I set up a stripper pole in my basement. She’s offended. Next time, hugs only.

don’t put ur business on social media and then tell us to mind our business. bitch, i’m on season 2, episode 6 of your bullshit

MAGA trying to find their way out of the Epstein mess.

[on phone with 911] “Yes, Alexa and The Roombas would be a great band name if they weren’t my captors. Are you sending a car or not?”

What you look like waiting for your turn to talk to the Home Depot guy.

You could put any frightened animal in a china shop and have the same results.

Hello, I am a person in a film who gives his phone number to another person in the film and it starts with 555. I do this with full knowledge that no one has a 555 prefix.

TSA: Did someone other than you pack your bag?" “My dog.” TSA: *opens suitcase full of slimy tennis balls* Keep the line moving.

Today I learned that however dissatisfying my experience was at ALDI it’s really not good fodder for a rap battle.