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“I’m not even sure Elon Musk is autistic” Well, his son’s name is a number

Just when autism was getting cool, Elon Musk had to goose step in and ruin it

*RFK Jr. twirling a fidget spinner in his hand, while walking around a renaissance fair* “Are you okay sir?” “Yes, I am just investigating autism.”

When you investigate autism so hard that you accidentally catch it

I found out I’m putting down my childhood dog on the same day I found my first balding spot, my youth died in a single day. Maybe we can save some of his fur, for memory and for me.

This is the dirtiest autism joke

At the airport, when you are autistic, you can wear a sunflower lanyard, which lets the employees know you have a hidden disability. I, however, choose to hand TSA a single dinosaur chicken nugget from my pocket, to let them know.

Last year, on April fools day, a man flashed me while on my run in the woods. Still the smartest flasher I’ve ever encountered because no matter what I told the cops, they wouldn’t believe me.

Flying with drugs is like playing a video game on rookie mode now, I miss the days when there was a finesse to it. Now a TSA agent will move my drugs to get to my contact solution, which exceeds the legal size. It’s easier to get Molly onto a plane than it is shampoo.

It would be cool to die from alcohol poisoning, specifically vodka, that way my family can tell people at my funeral, “He was poisoned by the Russians.”

I found a Rubik’s cube on the sidewalk, just laying there. I picked it up and solved it, then a net fell on my head. All I heard was a faint, gravely whisper saying, “Got yah,” as RFK Jr. walked around a corner, clipboard in hand, and added my name to his list.

My neighbors are foreign, and fight on a daily basis. They scream and yell in another language. It’s like watching squid games with the captions off. I know it’s good, but I have no idea what’s going on.

I heard there was going to be an asexual pride parade, but they ended up just not wanting to do it.

Babies are always crying on airplanes and in church, they hate being close to god.

Being autistic means I have a few safe foods I love the most, there are things I enjoy eating over and over again like: white rice, chicken nuggets, yogurt, my wife. Sometimes all four at the same time.

My dog had to get his vaccinations today; it turns out the vet doesn’t find it funny when you ask if he’s going to start counting his biscuits like rain man after.

“Autism didn’t exist back in my day,” says grandfather who wears jeans to the beach, every time, because he doesn’t like the texture of sand on his legs.

Fun weekend with a couple of sold out shows in one of my favorite small clubs, The Great Falls Comedy Club, in Auburn, Maine. I have a fractured fibula, that is why I am sitting! Tiny, cave looking rooms are what standup is all about.

The autistic jealously I have for whoever got to have the job to number and label all of those holes

A guy after my show the other night asked my wife, “Is he actually autistic?” And the urge to just bite the man to prove a point came over me.