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"Nice to e-meat you." -Me looking at .jpg of roast beef

I'm really not trying to join in on any political discourse here, but just LOOK at this disgraced Congressman's lawyer's epic last name. One lone, heroic vowel surrounded by six savage consonants. It's a goddam Spaghetti Western of a surname. Magnificent.

This is the equivalent of getting Ancestry.com results that say "You have a super diverse family tree. English, Scottish, Irish Catholic, Irish Protestant, and a little bit of Italian."

I like when nerdy movie characters throw away their inhalers as a way to symbolically mark their courageous decision to not have asthma anymore.

Does anyone else take a bite of a cookie and then give it a little tappy-tap to ash the crumbs off?

Me: I prefer boneless wings. You, the Supreme Viceroy of Appetizers, Protector of Finger Foods, Keeper of the Sacred Snack Scrolls: BONELESS WINGS ARE JUST CHICKEN NUGGETS WITH SAUCE ON THEM! Me: Oh good so you agree with me.

I wrote, and for the first time ever, directed some videos that tie in with Walmart's "Important Football Game" commercial. Never would have imagined that in my directorial debut I'd be saying the words "Can we get more Tribbles in the shot, please?" Star Trek #client

Every time I see my cat drinking water from her water bowl.

At first glance I thought Wes Anderson's new movie was called "The French Dip Batch" and got really excited for a simple story about a quaint sandwich shop, instead of a Fabergé egg grenade exploding inside of a cigarette and pencil-thin moustache factory.

Any time a movie character makes a lighting-fast witty comeback, I have to assume it's what the screenwriter wished they'd said one time when they were humiliated like ten years earlier.

New revelations from the #RiseOfSkywalker novelization: -Chewie did die, the one on the Star Destroyer was a clone -The Sith Wayfinder has an "Avoid Highways" setting -One of the ships at the end was piloted by Bea Arthur from the Holiday Special -Snap Wexley used to drive a bus

Did anyone else ever pop their favorite movie in the VCR, hit play, put a tape recorder next to the TV's speakers, tape all the audio from the movie, and then listen to it on their walkman?

The most important part of a rejuvenating morning stretch is that guttural yet high-pitched groan-scream.

People who work in offices HATE me because of these WEIRD TRICKS I've learned about WORKING FROM HOME full time even when it's not a GLOBAL PANDEMIC!

Jabba the Hutt lives in a palace. But he and his friends only ever hang out in the crappy basement. Which leads me to believe that his mom is upstairs in the nice part of the house and comes down every now and then with snacks and makes sure they're doing okay.

A good clean dad joke: "Needle-less to say, I am no longer addicted to heroine."

Would this BB-Tank have fixed all of the issues in Rise of Skywalker? Certainly not. Would I have paid good money to buy an entire platoon of remote control BB-Tank toys to chase my cat around the house during quarantine? You tell me, Disney.

*Takes a bite of a sandwich* My Brain: Take another bite. Me: But I'm barely halfway through chewing the last one. My Brain: Dang, that's true. Take an even bigger bite. Me: Okay now we're gettin somewhere.

When you're watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer and see a shot that's featured in the intro credits montage.

If you're looking for a fun #MayThe4th or #RevengeOfThe5th activity or a subject of debate with your nerd friends over Zoom or whatever, I spent my entire day and exhausted all of my prowess with Photoshop making this Droid bracket. #StarWars