I just remembered the time in college when I put the couch from our dorm common area into the elevator and sent it up and it never came back. So if anyone sees a stray red couch, can you please return it to the 3rd floor lobby in Gardner Hall? Thanks.

Do you ever see someone without a mask for the first time in over a year and think, “I swear that lady used to have a beard?”

Early is on time, on time is late, and late is early for tomorrow’s shift.

In terms of X’s and O’s, I always thought the X represented the crossed arms of an embrace and the O represented the puckered lips of a kiss, but it now occurs to me that I may have them backwards.

My drive thru ordering persona is one of my more endearing qualities.

A reverse mohawk is just an extra wide middle part.

So freaking stoked to be playing an adult punk rock prom tonight!!!

We are playing a show on 7/31 at @themilestoneclub with Blurry @leavingforarizona and @alifeworthtaking #themilestone #emo #punk #supportlocalmusic instagram.com/p/CgIt1JFuc_g/…

I want to start a local public access version of America’s Got Talent and call it People In Our General Area Can Do Stuff.

Middle aged is a state of mind.

Do kids not learn Pig Latin in school anymore? The quality of education in America is really dwindling.

What if the Mandela Effect is just the universe editing itself and gaslighting us into believing that it has been this way all along?

Why do people say “the month of October” rather than just “October?” Is there any other thing October could be confused with that you have to specify it as a month?

The video for Everyone’s a Liar from our 2015 Modern Man EP had disappeared from the internet for a while, but it’s back now. Check it out if you’re into that sort of thing. youtu.be/6eaNbqqKbJs

Thinking about changing our name to Kiera & The Knightleys.

#NewProfilePic

TFW you’re having a bad day, but then your Sweetwater rep calls you out of the blue. 💙

Why did the Chick-fil-A employee cross the road?

Is this still called a tweet?

Stopped by McDonald’s because I had a free burger on the app, but then I got free ketchup on my pants.