I’m not middle-aged yet but I am still-doing-the-Wordle age

How does one cherish a moment exactly? I’ve been giving it a go, but it’s hard. It’s like trying to do a sit up with your feelings.

You know when you pull you pants up over your belly to make yourself feel just a little skinnier? Is there a way to do that to your personality?

I had ice cream for breakfast, so yeah, I would say I’ve started prepping for Thanksgiving.

Some say sitting is the new smoking. Others say sugar is the new smoking. Well, which is it? I just want to look cool on this date.

when I forward my friend an ad on ig

I have a two-year-old and I can unequivocally say that no government entity has completely ruined my life more than daylight savings.

Remember when Elon Musk was talking about going to Mars, but then couldn't manage a website? Maybe we cool it on outer space if HTML is really giving him that much trouble.

me at a social event them: what do you do? me: I watch hours of TikTok and Reels and send the good ones to my friends. them: wow, you make money doing that?! me: no. but that’s what I do.

I wake up early everyday at 5:30 because I have a two-year-old who wakes up around 6 and I have to leave the house before that happens.

Science says, “don’t look at your phone before bed, the artificial light will keep your brain awake.” But also, “don’t stay in bed in the morning looking at your phone, the artificial light is no replacement for daylight.” Which is it, Science? Is my phone the sun or not?

Of course house prices have gone up, everyone I know has $1000 phones, $170 headphones, and a $400 computer watch.

Are there many better things in this godforsaken life than pulling into your parking space just as the song comes to an end?

When you’re irritable and hungry, that is called “hangry.” What is “hangry” for being tired? Is it “hired?” That’s how I feel I get a new job.

I don't usually say this but, Facebook Reels is unhinged.

Why is the next show/movie I want to watch always on the one service I don't have?

I’ve had countless teachers in my life, but perhaps the most important were the girls when I was in middle school, who taught me if my sweatpants were too long, roll them up at the waist.

Is anyone else the most confused they've ever been as to what day of the week it is?

Wife asked for an air fryer, I thought she said hair dryer, and now it takes 2 hours to blow curly fries straight.

I saw Dune 2 without seeing Dune 1, so ya, you can do anything you set your mind to!