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Today I’ll be releasing the text conversation where I told Boris Johnson to get a haircut months ago

Today I’ll be releasing the text conversation where Jacob Rees-Mogg mistakes James Cleverly🇬🇧 for a shoe shine boy and cries off to Nanny when he realises his ‘transgression’, standby poor people!

Just to get the story straight, I told Boris Johnson to say ‘I don’t care if all the Labour voting pensioners die’ but he somehow managed to mangle it #notmyfault

For the record, I was just doing a poor people report for Nigel Farage MP on the way back from #BarnardCastle

I can help you, just need to organise something that Priti Patel MP thinks will make it look like she cares by attending

Today I’ll be publishing the e-mail chain where Boris Johnson was asking Matt Hancock if he was allowed to lick the doorknobs yet #handsfacespace

I said nothing of the sort Robert Peston, take that back!

Now I’ve got to go and tell a bunch of The Labour Party MPs that I told Boris Johnson to say that he didn’t care if the Labour voting pensioners died again #handsfacespace #embarrassing

Today I’ve released the text messages where @borisjohnson said #fuckandbugger to Matt Hancock #strongandsweary

Come on poor people let’s get #hopelesshancock trending!

Oops, starting to worry if @borisjohnson’s idea to write lies on buses was such a good one #voteleave

Was that my trip to Oddbins to get the booze for the Downing Street summer party that never happened that you you’re referring to Laura Kuenssberg ?

Just off down to @LidlGB to get some mince pies for Nigel Farage MP’s inappropriate Christmas party #slummingit

Just to set the record straight, what you see here is part of my masterplan, it’s not actually me in this pic, it’s James Cleverly🇬🇧 in a bald wig. I was in number 11 holding Priti Patel MP’s broomstick while she took the picture. #CashingOut

I told Boris Johnson that ‘Bring Your Own Bottle’ wouldn’t work and that a standard three word slogan: ‘Free garden bar’ would be better. #stayathome

Ok it’s true Boris Johnson was a bit worried about the party but when I showed him the ‘free booze here’ banner I had printed using Rishi Sunak’s credit card he went for it

I warned Boris Johnson many times the ‘nobody told me’ was not a three word slogan that was going to work #buildbackbatter

Today I’ll be getting the ‘free booze here’ banner out of my box to send to @suegrayinvestigates #cashingout

Today I’m going to send the thank you card that Boris Johnson sent me for popping down to M&S to get a Colin The Caterpillar for his #birthdayvash to @suegrayinvestigates

Well he’s gone, just waiting for Liz Truss to let me in, I’ve been banging on the front door for ages. #strongandstable