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How was the show? “I tried hard not to fall asleep”

2023?! Can you believe it?? Me: Yes. I’ve actually never been more sure that the number 22 is followed by the number 23.

Love my fans

To all the Los Angeles yoga mat holding latte ladies who whenever it rains they say, "we needed this!!" Can i borrow some towels? I have a leaky window and a puddle in my bedroom.

I think I've always been an old soul. Mainly because I've always hated teenagers and I've always whispered, "yeeeeesh" at any one who's too loud in public.

We shot down a Chinese spy balloon over American soil. We should send a spy ballon over China’s soil! China: ok..who’s gonna make the balloon?

Is there a prop bet on how many UFO’s will get shot down during the second half?

No cameos, no costume changes, all hits and that’s it.

I know I’m getting older because I’m at a Super Bowl party and I just want to be with my dog at home

Spoiler alert: Who could have predicted in The Last of Us on HBO where Nick Offerman falls in love with Jordan Peterson!

My dog in a past life was a concerned grandmother waiting for her grand kids to come home on a school night.

Micheal Jordan is the best at basketball and he’s also the best at being the worst at everything else.

TIMES UP TIK TOK has anyone made this joke yet?

My bowel movements are like a mediocre sports team. Great at home, but barely shows up on the road.

I met someone that was born in 2003. I was like, “Dude! No adult is born in 2003!”

If you're watching a movie with your partner and they ask you to get them something from the fridge and they DON'T pause the movie for you....RUN!

I’m pretty sure the song “It’s not easy being Green” really touches people who have an Android phone.

Jokic won and didn’t even crack a smile. Guy is a machine

Boomers are like, “these kids can’t live without technology!” 10pm “Hunny?! Where’s my CPAP machine?!”