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My favorite night activity is getting into my PJs and if I’m not falling asleep within the first five minutes of this new Netflix series, I don’t want it. Comfort first, plot later.

I always say “male” before comedian, unless it’s a female. Then I just say “comedian”.

The only think keeping me from relaxing is 10-20 men telling me to relax. The only way!

We aren’t buying gifts for adults right? Like that’s a basic understanding. Ok cool

Currently fighting with people on tik tok about buying gifts. You don’t have to! I don’t! If you’re not a kid wtf? Buy your own bath bombs filled with toxins

8 million people have to live as hostages in their city because the libs don't want to upset a few hundred psychopaths. Politics isn't about tax policy or business regulation anymore. It's about people in reality dealing with people who are not.

I have been making tik-toks all of the sudden and having some success. Just when it’s about to get banned. 🤔 I’m the band on the titanic and I will now be here performing till it sinks completely

Airbandb they said

Ever notice if you don’t see your narcissist for a while they say “i feel like you fell off the face of the earth” because if you’re not calling them you basically don’t exist

It’s finally that time of year again where we can take off the antlers and red nose from our SUVs and put fake eyelashes on the headlights. #HappyNewYear

New Years 2025- Jump Start your new life youtu.be/91HC1qMRkUA?si… via YouTube

How to heal your body pain: Keepin 'It Tight- Ep4 youtu.be/0VtQmCSX5aY?si… via YouTube

our next Bagelmania comedy show 1/30 eventbrite.com/e/back-room-co…

tinyurl.com/bagelcomedy tickets available now! Can't wait. #vegas #lasvegascomedy #showsinvegas

After 4pm Trader Joe’s turns into Aleppo

Keepin' It Tight Ep 5 How to debloat and budget for the best 2025! youtu.be/eB2AN7UJeC8?si… via YouTube

My new special drops March 4th on Amazon Prime!

Get your own Schmear Campaign T-shirts! bonfire.com/schmear-campai…