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I like my women like my quantum computers, scary, don’t know what they do, incredibly complex yet maybe useless?

If aliens have been doing their due diligence they will announce their invasion with “Happy Monday!”

The mind is essentially one giant “choose your fighter” screen, and for some reason I always choose “guy who thinks he’s a piece of shit”

“Of all the choices I, Sophie, have had to make, this is a real humdinger”

*runs into upstairs neighbor at mailbox* “Nice day for uh, pacing around like you’re solving a murder, eh?”

I feel great everyday, until I eat lunch

Spotify needs an incognito mode. Some stuff is ala cart, ok? The algo doesn’t need to see this.

Your boy gets eepy after lunch

“Your honor she called me from the car and put me on speaker phone with two people I haven’t met, if that isn’t grounds for divorce, what is??”

This is the year we were promised, no surprise it got right to work

Watch Duty has most of LA as a red flag warning, which Tinder should’ve done ages ago.

Bizarre to make the LA fires a partisan issue, instead of a system one. Both parties have hallowed out the capacity to mitigate the worst effects of climate change, to humanity's peril. Unless we take drastic measures to reprioritize life over profit, this will be the new normal

If you see me in this it means I’m not taking any shit today. And my wife left me

Firefighters made a good choice using water jets instead of NY Jets

Join us for TIERS OF A CLOWN at 6PM PST only on twitch.tv/lpntv w/ Grant Gordon & “follow on the butterfly app” Jake Young

So we’ve renamed the body of water that causes hurricanes to 10x before they destroy us: the Gulf of America. That tracks.

Burning down democracy for the guy wearing a “squirt is pee” t-shirt at Dennys

For sale: Peloton shoes, never worn

How bout we try taxing Scientology before firing that war veteran’s therapist?

Sewage is just water that’s going through some shit