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Closure is a scam. You’re just giving someone one last chance to lie to you.

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My therapist said, “Date someone who knows when to be funny and when to shut up and listen.” And I said, “That reminds me — what’s the deal with those little plastic things at the end of shoelaces?”

a peanut allergy

Gen Z are a messed up generation man.

Seems like a great idea. If only I could remember the subtext of that scene in the thumbnail...

Just because you’re self-aware doesn’t mean you’re right — it just means you narrate the bad decisions.

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He wasn’t mysterious. He just didn’t answer follow-up questions.

I felt a great disturbance in the algorithm, as if a thousand voices cried out in reply and were suddenly monetized.

This is what I get for verifying.

For what shall it profit a man, if he gain a blue check, and lose his mentions?

X-ray vision, telescopic hearing, invulnerable body. Still fell for Lana Lang. Love is the real kryptonite. #Superman

ivebeen laughing about this video for like 6 hours

Let it go. The grudge, the haircut, the ex who still watches your stories.

You’re not overreacting — you’re just reacting in high definition.

I feel terrible that Bloomberg revised its "Superman" forecasts after audiences realized it was premiering on the same date as Werewolf Night on #TheLastDriveIn. Those empty seats, bringing down forecasts from $200 million to $125 million this weekend, are apparently our fault.

Never date someone who refers to their ex as “my origin story.” *“My supervillain origin story” I admit is kinda hot but