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"Hi. This is Luis. We've been emailing for years? My name's clearly spelled in my email just above?" British people:

In most realities James Blunt is known as a legendary comedian and entertainer, after his albums flopped. But you all had to make him a pop star in this, the darkest timeline

Sometimes when I get a letter about taxes or insurance I pretend it's a piece of fictional lore set in a dystopian future, to trick myself into reading the whole thing. ... so just me?

This person must whisper their pineapple on pizza opinions to a priest

Interviewer "What's your greatest weakness?" "Well, if you hit me repeatedly, my chest opens and a glowing ball comes out for a few seconds" Interviewer "I'm sorry, you sound overqualified to be a minion"

Hot take: only animals that consent to being a pet are actually pets. That's dogs, horses, and about 10% of cats. Anything else is just an animal you hold hostage in your house

It's finally happened. Ordered a vinho verde at a cocktail bar, and the Scottish barman corrected my pronunciation of it ❤️ Cultural appropriation is the highest flattery

Because British rulers went out of their way to create a society as fractured as possible to stop the peasants ever uniting in revolt, while making them think it was their idea? ... I mean regional banter

The problem with being nice is that people sometimes take me up on things, and then I have to be like "Dude I'm not actually helping you move, I just offered cause it's what my parents conditioned me to do, WTF?"

About to play a board game with 7 yo Child Me "Are you ready to lose?" [Child looks at me quizzically] Me "That's called trash talk" Child "Ah. You're trash. At the game. And life. And everything" Don't want to play anymore

I don't want a fitness app that shares my progress, I want one that discreetly calls my therapist when I eat my 2,000 calories at breakfast

Monkeys will never type Shakespeare, study finds bbc.in/4f8dCUa

I hate when celebrities die and suddenly everyone's their best pal and biggest fan but goddammit, Janey was different. If you knew her even in passing, you believe every word. She was even bigger than her legend. I wanna be like her when I grow up

British people sure talk a big talk about burning parliaments

My conspiracy theory is that those metal detectors at the airport don't actually do anything, the staff just make it beep if someone looks dodgy

I would simply not shove either of my grannies aff the bus

Now all the people who like taking a moral stance have left, this place might actually become fun again

If I was wolverine I'd probably just carry some regular knives around. Then I could pull them out without slicing my knuckles. Like, they're not even illegal or anything

This was so fun

These are incredible fun!