Imagine starting an office job and day one they were like “welcome to the team we’re just going to check you don’t have brain cancer”

Just put my own salt and vinegar and on my chippy tea because they didn’t put any on.

Glad to see he’s taking Pride month seriously

“Listen, toon town is a difficult place to go and get a result. If Judge Doom thinks he can throw a few ingredients together and take them down then he’s lost it. They might not look it, but Valiant and Rabbit are world class players and he’s under estimated them, embarrassing.”

Sure

The photo also suggests that a lot of us are sitting in the wrong place.

Think you’ll find Sgt June Ackland is the hottest June on record you wet blood fart.

Is it time to put Godzilla on the Yen?

Sir…

I have come up with a business idea Peter Jones what do we do next?

When my dad first saw clips from Lost in Space he said it looked like a film Joey would be in.

I don’t know how Margaret Thatcher deals with this heat daily

Thrilled I'll be Edinburgh Festival Fringe with my new show Liz Guterbock: NICE, produced by @ingeniousfools. I'm trying to stay nice in a world that's getting meaner! It's with PBH's Free Fringe from 2nd August 'til 24th (not 11th or 18th). Free jokes? HOW NICE! More info: tinyurl.com/2s5fc74x

The Prisoner of Driving Ban* * has this one been fucking done? I was going to go for “ you’re a hazard, Harry” but she didn’t play Harry.

Oh no

“I love honking big titties just a grab like honk honk, I call it super honks”

Never forget the time I spent 2 hours sat next to a nervous flyer. Luckily it was at the cinema so wasn’t really an issue.

Pardon? They could’ve said: - Octopostie - Dr No you weren’t in so we left a card - Tomorrow Never Posts if it’s a Saturday (because Sunday is the next day) - Mailfall (when they come through the letterbox) - Letter (that one is Spectre) - James Bond Posts a Letter 😎

How quickly we forget

“Zod’s a quality player. But you can’t just turn up at an away game and expect to walk away with it. Yes you’ve got more depth in your squad but Kent has got the experience when it counts and he’s on home soil. They’ve underestimated him and it's embarrassing."