Today's Daughter Meltdown brought to you by Not Letting Her Wear the Same Dress Two Days in a Row

😆Come out and Laugh! We're bringing an over the top hilarious show in our new room upstairs in Mohegan Pennsylvania this wkend with comedians Jon Fisch, Tito Garza, and Brendan Smith! Get tix now! Doors 8 Show 9 Jon Fisch Tito Garza Brendan Smith Tix: $25ea bit.ly/3DcCARa

Today's Daughter Meltdown brought to you by Not Snuggling Her Hard Enough

I just peek-a-boo'd so hard my Apple Watch started my cardio tracker

A lot of people ask me how I got started in comedy. Even more ask how I plan on stopping.

Sitting's awesome when you're old

My very first standup special just went live: youtu.be/9_97zE4GRZk

Friend: how you feeling? Me: I have not felt healthy for more than one week at a time since our second child was born one year ago today. Happy bday boy !

As a Jew that has partnered his way into celebrating Xmas I can definitively say that people celebrating Xmas spend more $ on wrapping paraphernalia than we do on Chanukah gifts

4 yr old: Daddy we obviously need a basket attached to my bike for when we go pine cone hunting you don't have to hold them

All these political spam texts sure do make banana republic seem less thirsty

Freddie Freeman is giving Hank - Jim Carrey's alter ego in Me, Myself & Irene

sending architects pictures of buildings and sh*t until people stop sending me standup clips

Trump's gold sneakers are available again. But you can only get 3 pairs per family. We have 2 kids. Talk about a Sophie's Choice. That means between my wife and I, only one of us gets an extra pair.

Duke lacrosse players finally got off

Can any espn stations talk about anything but football for a few hours

Wish I saw this Brazilian butt lift trend in the pipeline before I got mine lowered.

It doesn't matter how many times I've had it, I still can't spell diahrea

The worst part about adding Goldberg to the Signal group chat is that it made the text thread turn green

At petco (getting nature's miracle because he projectile vomited on the couch last night) my 2 year old son introduced us to the guinea pigs "Hi guys, I'm Ollie, this is Daddy" And I think it was the cutest thing I've ever seen.