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Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like? Him: *disables smoke alarm*

Do you drink coffee or does coffee drink you?

I like to throw soy sauce at sad people. Kikkoman while he’s down.

Fuck you Bulleye’s Playground, I love you.

There are 2 kinds of late people: -People that stroll in with a coffee from a local coffee shop. -People that are sweating and extremely apologetic.

Feed my family? In this economy?

If I was named Jeff I’d constantly be saying things like “jeffinately” and “I jeffed up”

When’s the last time you washed your bra?

I made an elderly woman laugh so hard she almost choked to death.

I’ve never felt more stupid than being in the “why” stage of parenting. I didn’t realize every day would be a pop quiz on the universe.

People don’t puff on pipes like they used to.

People born in 1995 are turning 50 this year. Let that sink in.

I’ve never met a baby named George.

This is so depressing.

Any guy can be a father, it takes a real man to be a dad. Happy Father’s Day to all the men who stepped in or stepped up.

Are people still getting paid on here?