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every spider in LA is the dumbest bitch alive. honey you do not need to build a web across the doorway of a grocery store. that’s not gonna work mama

i honestly love forever chemicals. god forbid something in this life be permanent

my new “smart” beard trimmer wants to connect to wifi. honey do ur thing!

would love to be a 5th SATC girl who loses it and disappears after 1 season because im the only one who can hear the super loud utensil sounds coming from nearby tables at lunch

yes — i should allow this candle website to send me push notifications

omg do NOT put “pines” in the vowel rearranging machine

it’s SO intimate & hot to drive in someone’s blind spot. like yea i’m here… do u trust me??

when i did this i barely got any press

woke up & noticed a dead centipede on my pillow, right next to my face. relieved i could be there for her in her final moments

what if this was all from one bird

my childhood ❤️❤️❤️ one time i saw a horse attack a chevy silverado & the horse won

replacing my severely cracked windshield with a beautiful 13th-century mosaic stained glass fixture rescued from a church in naples. i won’t be able to see the road but honey i’ll see god. and that’s enough

it is 6:06am & i am watching a physical fight unfold inside the mcdonald’s above the kingston-throop C subway station

sooo funny that irish ppl call it “the troubles”. euphemism on fleek

awesome that we elect county coroners. honey i’m basing my vote on each candidate’s signature autopsy style

something rly similar to Babygirl (2024 film) happened at the taco bell i worked at in high school… basically my 50 year old lesbian boss slept w my 19 year old italian male bimbo coworker & somehow no one but me was surprised

i just KNOW if i were the linguist in Arrival, i would’ve smoked weed w the aliens by day 3. frankly i hate myself for it

a powerful move when exiting ur friend’s apartment is to discreetly let in the 30+ moths waiting on the porch