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I didn’t realize saying “It’s my treat” meant I had to pay for everyone. I was just trying to say it’s my treat

STOP ME IF YOU’VE HEARD THIS ONE: A NOVEL by Kristen Arnett

interviewed Kristen Arnett about the Obsessed With Barbies to spoiling a femme wife pipeline for Autostraddle 🎀 autostraddle.com/i-treat-my-wif…

you can buy 10 dollar roller skates off of facebook marketplace and skate into town for a banana split. they Don’t really let you know about this

STOP ME IF YOU’VE HEARD THIS ONE: A NOVEL by Kristen Arnett

i put a little hat on her and she looks like a dуke

my untimely passing will send ripples thru the salt and vinegar chip industry. there will be many chip tycoons at my funeral

sometimes i’ll sing “do you ever feel… like a plastic bag” from the katy perry song to my wife, but i’ll sing the word bag like “bayg” because i feel it gives it a touch of whimsy

I just sat my sister down and made her swear she will immediately believe me if I ever call her and tell her I'm living the same day over and over again. I can't waste time convincing a skeptic every day, so let's just lay the groundwork now. I am drunk but that's irrelevant

this gif kills me because i know those are all real stretches but all of them up at once makes it look like their boss just walked in and they're trying to make it look like they've been working this whole time

anthony hopkins would be a great name for a pet rabbit

watching someone play a trivia game on this flight and when asked “why are flamingoes pink” they chose the answer “because they are suntanned”