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Who is more to be pitied, a writer bound and gagged by policemen or one living in perfect freedom who has nothing more to say?

You realize, of course, that everything I say is horseshit.

I am a brother to writers everywhere.

I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, althouh most do not care about them. You are not alone.

Any man can call time out, but no man can say how long the time out will be.

Love may fail, but courtesy will prevail.

Dear future generations: Please accept our apologies. We were rolling drunk on petroleum.

It's never a mistake to say good-bye.

They say there are no atheists in foxholes, and this is a good argument against atheism. I think it's a better argument against foxholes.

Who is more to be pitied, a writer bound and gagged by policemen or one living in perfect freedom who has nothing more to say?

The function of the artist is to make people like life better than they have before.

I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.'

The two prime movers in the Universe are Time and Luck.

Literature should not disappear up its own asshole, so to speak.

Beer, of course, is actually a depressant. But poor people will never stop hoping otherwise.

Life happens too fast for you ever to think about it. If you could just persuade people of this, but they insist on amassing information.

Charm was a scheme for making strangers like and trust a person immediately, no matter what the charmer had in mind.

This is my principal objection to life, I think: It is too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes.

For some people, getting pregnant is as easy as catching cold.

Wake up, you idiots! Whatever made you think that money was so valuable?