Underwear gets almost no respect although it’s the one that dictates the laundry cycle. In my opinion, it’s important for me to tweet every thought I have

(Talking to a doctor) I hear ya doc, but is it really necessary to go back to brushing my teeth? The peppermint patties honestly give me the same minty fresh feel!

Maybe they shouldn’t have let everyone run a marathon. Makes me think it’s probably pretty easy. Won’t try but could do it if I wanted to

Having something on “good authority” must feel so nice

If you scroll on the Internet long enough they’ll show you videos where they mix colors of paint. That’s the good stuff but ya gotta keep working to get there

I stay away from any adult that still likes to debate which colors are associated with which school subjects. Literally grow up. Almost as bad as adults who think math is red

There’s an non-zero chance that the new pope listens to PMT to hear Big Cat talk about the bears

“Oh no my bags”, the man shouted as his house went up in flames, “my drawer full of bags”

one day I will reveal what really happened on the set of Lizzie McGuire, but not yet, wound still fresh

Don't forget to eat your breakfast

UFC is fun but would be better if we ran AI simulations to decide the winner instead of letting the fights decide

“And it’s begs the question” alphas never beg for questions. I have the answers

Was talking to my buddy about going to the Rufus Du Sol show and said “I heard he puts on a great show” my buddy said “they”. Literally how is everyone trans?

the moon looks so pretty on the weather app tonight 😍

I HAVE got to stop following the enchanting sounds of beautiful sea-women singing, keep ending up in sum rock bullshit

you can tell what’s going on in the country by which ethnicity becomes obsessed with working out. 2020 the Asian women were doing squats 2025 the Orthodox Jews are doing shoulder presses. Quit cable news, get a gym membership

War Dogs would have never happened to me. If Ana De Armas was angry with me , I would have simply stopped being an international arms dealer. Easy as that

Sorry no I actually don’t think there is any metaphorical significance to the condom that has been in my empty wallet for over a year

Me and my boys were talking, frankly we all think your wedding invitation was rather gaudy and a bit tasteless

Rename the mailman the garbage man for bringing me garbage. Rename the garbage man the male man for being the manliest man