I'm bad at work tweeting. variety.com/2018/tv/news/b…

The lady doing laundry next to me just grumbled, "this lint tray can suck my fucking dick" which is probably super indicative of how her day is going.

People who get up in arms about itemizing a check at a restaurant have never been the only vegetarian at a big group dinner.

hi. we are all nobodies.

I’m filling out a small bio and it asks me to list interesting facts about myself and all I can think of is the time I once got a bruise on my palm from playing a tambourine too vigorously

Blessed to have the opportunity to send this e-mail to 9 attorneys who probably all went to Harvard or Yale.

And now the gracious concession.

10:45pm. Sayonara beauty. Cool night, guys. I get the appeal of Hollywood now.

Not fasting this year but I've spent the last 2 hours on the phone with Time Warner so that should cover atonement for the next 4 years.

Needless to say, this will bother me for the rest of my life.

I'm a fairly calm person, but tonight I was paired with a Backstreet Boys tour dancer in class and he's 100% filing a restraining order.

You know how as you get older the requirements you need in a significant other start to lessen? Cuz like right now I’m just at ‘owns a milk frother’

I'm still thinking about that Honda driver who chose to get off of The Grove parking garage carousel at the floor that said “1 spot left”

Pointy! Thanks for all the kind tweets. These are now my only 2 mantle decorations.

RE: Murphy Brown reboot. I spent a lot of time on that set as a kid. Here’s a punch-up I gave my dad for one of his eps in 1989 that he still has. I feel like my notes may have gotten better with age... (I charge now). Congrats to the whole team!

I ate 14 string cheeses today. Happy Valentine's Day.

Pilot season is brought to you by ‘Not Drinking Enough Water’ and my second bottle of dry shampoo.

Listen to Zach Braff (and me. with equal importance and clout.) x.com/zachbraff/stat…

The women eating breakfast next to me keep saying “inner calm” and all I hear is “intercom” and I’m giggling and they hate me.

Is there a Fitbit that tracks how many sits you sit? Sitbit?