The "It's a Sin" montage where Ritchie has sex with loads of different hot guys, but it's me just preparing and eating different pasta dishes

Movie idea: everytime you get older you become more beach

ARAGORN: You have my sword LEGOLAS: And my bow GIMLI: And my axe FRODO: ok but I'm not going to be able to carry all this stuff

Yikes, unfollowing him now!! I loved his aesthetic and his symbolism as a token of defeat to be brought into the city, had no idea he contained multitudes of Greek soldiers to kill us in our sleep!!

Everyone say thank you to the brave engineer who got Facebook and Instagram back online

DUDE: How are you? BRO: I'm fine DUDE: OK cool VOICEOVER: Talking 😌😌 it helps!! 😌😌 men should talk more 😌😌 Eat Snickers ❤

EINSTEIN: Time is relative. Your 24 hours are not my 24 hours MOLLY MAE:

When crossing the road, look left, then right, then left again. Two more lefts, then pretend to look right before snapping back left. A quick down (that's where hell is) then right. Hold it for a minute, then a final left (maybe say a few words?) Hammerhead it (both) then cross

When I'm bad at replying it's because I'm an adorable goofball who is busy playing as hard as they work When someone else is bad at replying it's because they hate me so much they've had a car crash

We're still v much going! It's just that one of us is a national TV star whilst the other is a directionless gay man!!!!!!

"I have to do something about the situation in Ukraine!" I say, deciding that the student theatre production of Henry IV I'm directing will be done entirely in vaguely Eastern European accents

Just gonna say it, if I'd been handed the life changing opportunity of a starring role in Stranger Things as a teen, I would not have had the AUDACITY to age. Absolutely disgusting.

Me on a lifeboat surrounded by women and children sailing away from the Titanic only to immediately hit another slightly smaller iceberg: "Ok guys you will not believe what's just happened"

To think I nearly let my CHILDREN hear this SMUT. We are heading to China NOW. They are CRYING because there is NO ONE TO LOOK AFTER THE DOG while we are gone and it will STARVE.

V sad about Jesus 😪😪 gonna miss him!!!! 🥺 Something tells me he'll be back tho 😉😉🤫🤫

Oxford student phones home for Easter

THEME PARKS: Do you DARE ride the DEATHCOASTER through the LAKE OF KNIVES as it cannonballs you straight to HELL?!?! THEME PARKS AFTER A MAJOR INCIDENT: we are so sorry about what deathcoaster did 😪😪 we had no way of knowing deathcoaster would do this 🥺🥺

And I find it kinda gagging I find it kinda peak The dreams in which I'm slaying Are the ones that are on fleek 💅

THE QUEEN: *grunts slightly* ROYAL COMMENTATORS: "🤣🤣 And there of course is our majesty's DAZZLING sense of humour 🤣🤣🤣"

I am doing this gig on Tuesday The Dip Comedy!!!! If you run London nights and would like me to do your gig pls lmk!!!! I'm best friends with a famous woman!!!!