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In Newcastle at The City Hall I’m doing the Have A Word on tour. They won’t let me in the stage door. 😂😂😂

What a wonderful night with Have A Word at the amazing O2 City Hall Newcastle now I’ve got train beers for the trip back to Manchester. Lovely evening.

Who is the guy promoting WWE in the studio for the Leyton Orient v Stockport game?

Off to see these tribute bands next week. Patella Olecranon Engine Cranium Rigid Tiny Phalanges Fiery Labium Superius Oris and Labium Inferius Oris The Ringpiece Wakeboarders Vagina Disturbance

Are you a Premier League team that has not won for a while? Feeling down and useless? Then come to Old Trafford, not only will you gain three points, we will help you score the goals. Don’t worry about us scoring. We’re allergic to it.

Every single United player, “oh no, he’s passed to me. I know, I’ll try and cut back inside and pass it sideways or backwards.” Cowards. It’s doing my head in.

The lineup this weekend is incredible. The Comedy Store, UK

Five funny comedians making this the biggest & the best in stand up comedy!

Gravy run t’London!!! Pure beef. Not cut with bisto. Rapid drops. No transfers or lifts to ATM’s. Strictly no teenths!!! Hit me up. Don’t be a grass. Gravy narcs get marks.

Sunny days & funny evenings 😀

Proud that I know so many talented people. Every day I seem to be in awe as one of them produces a piece of magic. I stopped comparing myself years ago, I sent myself mad. Now another friend has written a book. The gifted nick revell “Portrait of the dog as a young artist”

Tonight’s lineup at the The Comedy Store, UK is one of the finest I’ve ever MC’d. Imagine loads of fire emojis !!!!

Never had a straight forward journey with this company.

Dear Avanti West Coast trains are screwed out of Euston today because signalling staff are not available. Is there no emergency staff on call for such a thing?

These knobheads have induced angst and uncontrollable nerves in me all week and they’ve not even kicked off yet. C’mon United!!!

Balls to it. I’m not gonna watch the 2nd half. I’m gonna pour lighter fluid over my scrotum and stand outside with the smokers. #utid #Onanaistheworstkeeperihaveeverseen

Every genuine United fan will be buzzing for Scott McTominay !!! Well done kid.

Awful scenes from the parade in Liverpool. I really hope nobody is badly hurt and I hope my friends who were there today are safe and well.

Love it. McSauce loving life and on the biftas!

Same 'I'm being forced to choose between Olympics and OnlyFans' bbc.com/sport/rowing/a…