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"Everyone wants to fuck the eyehole but I am human, I deserve love and respect. Nay, I demand it," writes Congressman Dan Crenshaw, "You have to romance the eyehole, kiss the eyehole, and finger the eyehole. Then, once I'm in the mood, you just might get to fuck the eyehole."

"I'm shaking," writes Ian Miles Cheong, professional incel, as tears fall on his keyboard, "The SJWs have taken everything from us, even Pac-Man!. Worse, her tits are mere Double-Ds. The secret society of women once again take gaming from men for the simple joy of theft alone."

Guiseppe Oswaldo, driven to despair when he learned that racism against Italians is still funny, attempted suicide in his New Jersey restaurant. The attempt was foiled by his choice of a pizza cutter. "Mamma Mia! His life was already in pieces." says the man who called 911.

Brian Quinby @murderbryan from @streetfightWCRS talked to our @jarheadkuntz about MeansTV and Shock Jocks anchor.fm/symposidumb/ep…

Batten down the hatches! The VGATWTOE war on videogames is rolling into town to end interactive media once and for all by pronouncing it political. Joining us in this noble crusade is Josh Tucker (Huge Mantis) writer and *gasp* games journalist! Enjoy: videogamesaretheworst.pinecast.co/episode/989f72…

"Devouring Epstein has finally given me the dark energy to campaign again. Once again you mere mortals will know my sinister grace, my reptilian beauty, my medieval diseases," writes Hillary Clinton, "It's with endless cosmic laughter that I announce my candidacy for President."

"Though I am deeply saddened by the end of my campaign," writes California senator Kamala Harris, "I will continue to represent those who believe in me most: white people who post gifs of black women clapping."

"Since I have your attention," writes Barron Trump, son of Home Alone 2 star Donald Trump, "Does anyone have a Sizzlipede or Galarian Farfetch'd I can trade for? Shiny only."

"I'm dismayed to discover that Russian trolls supporting Sanders have launched a campaign of harassment against me," writes Buttigieg's Senior Advisor Lis Smith (@lis_smith), "Let me be clear, if you criticize my friendship with Neo Nazi Richard Grennell, you are a homophobe."

After a short staff meeting, The NY Times newspaper endorses Bernie Sanders for President.

"I'm going to improve your lives, save the country from Boris Johnson and, most importantly, I have 9-inch soda-can-thick dick," writes Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, "now get out and vote for Labour."

We are saddened to report that this is fake news manufactured by an embarrassed campaign that fired nick ciarelli over a dance video. See #DropOutBloomberg for the real story. buzzfeednews.com/article/elliev…

America just took out the world's no. 1 bad guy: The killing of Swedish Felix Arvid Ulf Kjellberg doesn’t have the emotional power of the takedown of Osama bin Laden, but taking him out means much more in terms of saving current lives, writes Jake Novak.

Latest email leaks from Ben Shapiro to his wife, Daisy Shapiro, detail copyright documentation for a 'Queen Bozanga Ladytaur' sex toy. Included a self-described 'lust manifesto' detailing his obsession with a Judeo-Christian afterlife populated by quadrupedal barefoot women.

"Rooftop solar alone can’t solve climate change. But #rooftopsolar could make the entire energy system cheaper in America forever." Saul Griffith Rewiring America New York Times Op Ed. NREL's #solarapp permitting tool could help local governments do it faster. nyti.ms/3Mz239J

BREAKING: Leaked unreleased trailer for Clinton’s upcoming Apple TV+ docuseries ‘Gutsy’ shows Harvey Weinstein's name in the the producer credits Full article: bit.ly/3ANL8NT