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Just a shattered man searching for a firm raspberry.

I think we should popularize saying, “Have a nice baby” to pregnant women. I might get that goin’.

People cheering on war like it’s a fuckin FanDuel bet. Get me the hell off this timeline. I’m tired.

I think the gout-feet class are bored with their prosperity and must fill their chalice of depravity with a tv war.

One of my biggest fears is to get publicly fooled by a smug magician.

Great NBA season. What am I gonna do until October?

Welch’s Berries & Cherries Fruit Snacks: Dear Sweet Baby NASCAR Jesus, please never let me outgrow this simple pleasure.

AGAINST ALL ENTROPY When a detached RadioShack Manager finds an antenna that allows him to speak to his consciousness, he must thwart a greedy celebrity psychic to find true connection and possibly save the world. BEING JOHN MALKOVICH x SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED #screenpit

RIVER BOTTOM LULLABY The story of River Phoenix, who survived a nomadic childhood and the pitfalls of fame before tragically passing away prior to sharing his true passion with the world: music. MAN ON THE MOON x MOONLIGHT #ScreenPit

ASHES FOR A FUNERAL When a desperate small-town funeral director needs a body, he teams up with a disgruntled baker who wants a rival eliminated, and they somehow make the situation worse. BURN AFTER READING x UNCUT GEMS #ScreenPit

STARSHIP TO NEVERMIND When two Nirvana-obsessed brothers try to join their dad in the Heaven’s Gate Cult after Kurt Cobain’s death, they must navigate the oddballs along the way to prove that the biggest misfits fit in somewhere. NEBRASKA x LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE #ScreenPit

I only make art that is intentionally absurd. That way, no one can ever find it unintentionally absurd and hurt my feelings.

Nothing has made online communication harder, more frustrating, and more time consuming than “autocorrect.” Or as I call it “auto-insert-random-gibberish-into-whatever-I-already-spelled-correctly.” 🖕 Unplug me, already. I’ll eat the gruel and wear the gray clothes. Let me out.

A political issue I’m very passionate about is the fact that no Italian restaurant gives you enough ravioli, so I’m discouraged from ordering it.

Try navigating this culture if you value privacy but don’t want to be a complete shut-in. It’s not fun.

All of these people should be laughed out of existence.

I feel like the pace at which we are living life is indirectly proportional to the way that we are experiencing it.

I’m just picturing E.T. with a machine gun and what the hell would happen next.

I’m a single-issue voter: bring the SuperSonics back to Seattle.

If you think there’s nothing in life to look forward to, you just haven’t discovered new episodes of Netflix’s TRAINWRECK every Tuesday.