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One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

@SherryDMusic 17 years of crushing and still going strong, I'm NOT the right person for this job lol

I have just registered for #Hideout2015 tickets here: hideoutfestival.com Hideout Festival and Arena Ticket

[wakes in cold sweat & shakes wife awake] ME: honey? WIFE: "What now?" ME: what does the Hamburglar do with all the burgers he steals?

O___O x.com/mattwhitlockPM…

*fixes hair* *checks breath* *adjusts boobs* "Ok, be cool. Dont let him know you're a woodpecker" *goes to door* KnockKnockKnockKnockKnockKn

Although my t-shirt is on back to front, in the mirror it's the right way round, so technically I'm sober.

This cannot be serious. Surely you just empty the packet whole? x.com/GoldenWonderUK…

Twitters' changed since I was last here. It's a lot louder. And that's saying something.

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

Every pull of the bathroom light-switch reminds me of the agonising task of changing the bulb #blown

What if Drake got some new friends? #keepitgoing

9pm: "I'm so tired" 10pm: "Might go to bed in a bit" 11pm: "Right, I'm off, night night" 11.05pm-3am: Twitter

I do love #oneborn. Just love it. Can't explain it.

Oi #Dave bare out of sync with the audio. Sort it out! #HayeDay #HayeGjergjaj @Join_Dave

Do you know why you’re waiting on someone to come into your life & make you happy? It’s because you’re stupid, only you can make you happy.