Me: my palms are itchy I think it’s an eczema flare up Mama: بنتي هدا فال خير حتجيكي فلوس 😐😐😐

How do you get Instagram to stop showing you so many cute cat pictures it’s really starting to affect my time management

Would 100% go to a summer camp that teaches you how to be a spy or a white collar criminal

*anything slightly evil happens in a family story* Mama and Baba: it was renad wasn’t it? Me: 🥸

Why are my only two options a mask so large it partially blocks my vision and a mask with variable cartoons?

Some kid just guessed that I was 14 years old I’m so over this

The number of times I think “yes, I’ll just text Mushu (the cat)” every single day is honestly worrying

*wakes up an hour early to go to the gym* *puts hoodie on the wrong way* *shakes pre-workout before putting the lid on the shaker* *tips over and spills a whole glass of water*

I’m so glad we still have to wear masks so my driving teacher can’t see me trying to contain my hysterical (maybe slightly unhinged) laughter. They should *not* give me a license.

My driving instructor keeps yelling at me to look out for road hazards when I’m the biggest hazard of them all

*Roasting coffee* “Ugly ass coffee”

What if skim milk came from skinny cows

Get you a PT who’ll call you on your birthday to make sure you’re not eating off plan then hang up

Today is the day I admit defeat and stop trying to keep up with tech because wtf are “digital air jordans”?

How do criminals always have people’s bank details to send them money and frame them I don’t even know my own bank details

Our cat sleeps like he’s been pulling 12-hour shifts at the factory

Some people know a guy at Nobu, my family knows a guy at Buffalo Wild Wings

If I see one more person running a knife over food to show that it’s crispy I’m gonna lose it.

I’m done girlbossing I just want to live laugh and love

I have never connected with a fictional character more than I have with young Gru. He is my spirit animal.