🔥The 9th Round of Easy Loan, Earn $40 Reward is in progress❗️ ⏰ Promotion Period: January 15th - Feburary 15th, 2025 👉 Register now and check more details at gate.io/campaigns/358

I understand that getting another self-help book isn't always the answer but sometimes I just can't help my self.

Twitter can be rough. It's important to know who you are before you dive in, which is why I just reminded myself I'm a 45yo mother of 3 who just kicked cigs for good.

The chef I work with keeps saying "where is all the thyme? I lost all my thyme! Where has the thyme gone?!?". I'm gonna label this an existential spice-is.

Mother Nature- "Whelp, its 6am and there are no little droplets of water on the grass... looks like we're just gonna have to make dew.

Am I allowed wear these suspenders on this train? Do people think I'm the conductor? To be safe, I've been saying, "I'm headed to the cockpit now" and they've been saying, "you're thinking of plane pilots".

When life gives you lemons, ask if they are certified organic.

Anyone out there with a palm tree willing to spare a single leaf from it? Asking for a frond.

I choose now to love humanity with an open heart and deep compassion as I sit in this Starbucks inside a Target.

Biden has contracted Covid 19 and canceled his speech in Las Vegas, where Hunter Biden is still scheduled to contract HPV.

In Los Angeles, a Beverly Hills robbery suspect led police on a high-speed chase while live-streaming on social media. While most would hate to be pursued by police, the suspect was thrilled to have 12 new followers.

JD Vance on his grandmother at the RNC this week, "She was a woman of deep Christian faith. But she also loved the F-word". Those attending were surprised at his grandmother’s love for the homophobic slur.

Xi Jinping has revised China's ‘Organic Law of the State Council’ to, “uphold the leadership of the CCP”, which will further centralize government power. The council must prepare to uphold Xi as soon as this summer in Paris with a stunning synchronized swim-team lift.

Experts say millennials are learning to distance from parents in the name of their own mental health. Gen X-ers say, “Just wait. Eventually, your PARENTS will become more distant due to THEIR mental health.”

Pepa from Salt n’ Pepa was removed from a Southwest flight when she and another passenger argued over her seat. The argument escalated suddenly when the man told her not to Push It.

The Republican party's identity continues to shift as evidenced by the Teamsters union president speaking at the RNC last night. Re: labor organization, Republicans now identify as non-binary.

U.S. intelligence finds evidence of Iranian #assassination plot against #Trump separate of the Crooks shooting. Secret Service ordered to heighten protection around Trump’s other ear.

Ratings for the #ParisOlympics2024 were 82% higher than the Tokyo Olympics. Wow! And with water events containing only 42% more fecal matter?! #riverseine #sketchschooljokes

The world's largest #iceberg is spinning in a phenomenon known as a "Taylor column". In related news, production will soon begin on the very unexpected sequel "Titanic 2: Taylor's Version". #HBDJamesCameron #sketchschooljokes James Cameron

#Melbourne has banned e-scooters from their city. Yes, after avoiding giant spiders, snakes and jacked kangaroos, Melbourners saw e-scooters and said, "this might kill us". #electricscooters #thatsnotascooter #THISisascooter #sketchschooljokes

#Walz and #Vance agree to VP #Debate in October. Walz made requests about the debate rules while Vance made inquiries about the furniture. #couchjokes #couchlyfe #couchmeifyoucan #sketchschooljokes