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I like to do this fun thing where I pretend I’m gonna get a full nights sleep.

Mambo no. 5 but it’s in a minor key and I’m naming women who didn’t text me back

Remember when being sent to bed was a punishment? Lol

Wheel of Fortune, but the spot you land on determines what you'll be arguing with your kids about that morning. Today I got "Shoes."

I made the mistake of buying stuff to grill tonight so, long story short, that's why we're having a Nor'easter right now.

Good news is I got 50 grams of protein at lunch, bad news is you have to eat a ton of chips and queso to achieve that.

Hey mom, you know what we haven’t had in a while? ice cream -my kid, eating his second popsicle

Son's College: Consider giving a gift to the Alumni Association! Me: [sends them back his $34,000 tuition bill with a bow on it]

Trump tariffs would make iPhones more expensive and I say it's about time because I feel so guilty only paying $1500 for something I just use for texting and Candy Crush.

My wife has nausea medication on her nightstand so I guess we’re having sex tonight.

Long weekends are great until you realize the kids have a long weekend, too.

Boss: Enjoy the long weekend. Me [who has been enjoying the long weekend since Tuesday afternoon]: ok

Me: [donates car to 1-877-Kars-4-Kids] Neighbor [leaving for work]: where the hell is my car

This memory just popped up on my TV of me, my wife, my ex-wife and her husband, and our four kids in Iceland last year. What a phenomenal trip.

Oh no. My daughter and her friends have started reading one of my books. Oh. Oh no.

I've started eating healthy and exercising which explains my terrible attitude, lately.

My wife just mom-armed me in the car so I guess role playing is gonna be a little weird tonight.

Just drove by a serious accident on the highway. Fire trucks, cop cars, and a woman being put into an ambulance on a stretcher. Then we realized she had hit and killed a deer and we were, like, “Oh no the poor deer!”

Ate a lot of vegetables last week to make room in the drawer for this weekend's beer.