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Pisces: The stars are sick of your shit

Aquarius: While watching an old home movie, you notice a blurry figure in the background. He's waving at you.

Capricorn: If you've always wanted to be dragged screaming into a secret laboratory by government scientists, then today's your lucky day.

Sagittarius: It's time to stop asking "Who let the dogs out?" They're gone and they're never coming back.

Scorpio: Like white light through a prism, you'll be divided into your constituent parts and splayed across the floor.

Libra: If we said you have a beautiful body, would you return it to the morgue? C’mon, we’ve talked about this. You need help.

Virgo: You'll have time to reflect on your childhood "Vampires vs. Werewolves" debates when you are bitten by a bat and a wolf.

Leo: It’s the WAY you fall off the cliff that makes it a meme.

Cancer: You will meet the love of your life at a restaurant (it’s a burrito).

Gemini: You will learn to love again. And again. And again. And again. This is your eternal curse.

Taurus: Life is tragic, but also hilarious. Much like your internet search history.

Aries: You gaze wistfully at the moon. The moon glares back. Satellites do not forgive.