I'm not sure having sex with a prostitute in a barn was the best idea. Hay ho.

It's coming home, it's coming home, it's coming, football's coming homophobic. #WorldcupQatar2022 #football

Blur are playing Wembley stadium. I promoted their first Nottingham gig. Paid them £200. Tickets £3.50!

Why not save yourself a night's gas and electric and have a mighty good laugh in the process? There are lots of Funhouse venues in local areas with great value shows and excellent comedians.

They won't be flogging beer, just the people that drink it. #WorldCup2022

England goals from Bellingham, Saka and Sterling. Wonder what Andrew Lawrence will be tweeting.

Harry Kane has just signed a contract with Pizza Hut.

My new year's resolution is to spend less time on Twitter. From tomorrow I'll be posting hourly updates on how I get on.

Shamima Begum made her bed. Which was impressive for a teenager.

Monday night laughter The Bless Derby May 22nd with Jon Pearson 🤣 JonnyPComic.eth Stylophobia, Dave Wilder, Patrick Carmody, Aaron Levine, Seeta Wrightson and Compere Spiky Mike Funhouse Get your tickets here and come along: funhousecomedy.co.uk/venues/derby-c…

I never got any applause for my jokes about sexually transmitted diseases, so have gone to a clap clinic.

My barber cut the hair on my forehead so badly it's won Best Fringe Joke.

My daughter Ruby is due back at school on Wednesday. Don't know if those are concrete plans.

Bestiality with sheep- what are the ramifications?

We had such fun with this last night, we're doing it again next year! Tickets on sale at 9am tomorrow..

Rishi Sunak's parents wouldn't allow him satellite TV until he'd got his first girlfriend. 'No woman, no Sky.'

If you are voting tomorrow don't forget your ID. Unless you are voting Tory or Reform UK, in which case you don't need it.

If England make the final, they need to point out to UEFA that the stadium is a licensed premises. No under 18s allowed.