Last chance to visit the Christmas Mkts in Alb Sq & St Ann's Sq today before the traders pack up and go home to their families! #manchester

First up there are honey badgers all over the fucking show at Piccadilly. You'll do well to get out alive.

Ricky Gervais on the Eccles line. We've shut it down completely and will be setting it on fire later as a precaution. Reopening March 2014.

Metrolink staff at Sale are acting out that Friends episode where Joey's fridge breaks.

BBC chef Nigel Slater has been whispering crude sexual words at a turkey thigh at Chorlton for hours now. Severe delays. Take a fucking bus.

The Bury line is an unline. It does not exist: it has never existed. WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH.

Perfect service on the Bury line. Stand ready for the Two Minutes Hate.

Got to Dance is a great show. Just gets bigger every series.

We are hearing reports of swans congregating at Trafford Bar. If you are planning to travel please bring bread. Repeat: bring bread.

Our Chief Exec is currently looking in to whether it's actually true that a swan can break your arm. We'll let you know as soon as we can.

Until we can confirm, please don't approach the swans. But do throw them bread. From a safe distance, obviously.

We can confirm that only a swan wing at full span, striking a weak-boned individual at full velocity, could actually cause bone fracture.

Therefore, unless you have shitty bones, you can now approach the swans. Just to repeat: there are swans at Trafford Bar. Bring bread.

We are thinking of replacing all trams with whimsical dancing cats. Only a thorough benefits analysis stands between us and the dream.

"But how will they run?!", people will exclaim. "They won't", we'll reply, "but benefit 4.3 clearly shows why that's a worthwhile decision."

The public will never see the benefits analysis. "It's confidential", we'll say. The public will just see whimsical dancing cats.

We're not the first with this idea. Sweden replaced their trams with erratic taunting alpacas in 2002. Very successfully we might add.

I think that's six followers lost in the last ten minutes. Was it the cats or the santa retweet? Or possibly both?

We can definitely recommend following James Corden (James Corden) if dancing cats and Janaury Christmas updates aren't really your bag.