Last night I somehow ended up making 10+ goofy Freddy Krueger memes

Organ donation is like yeah I’ll help people. Once I’m dead!

The flight attendant safety demo was the first TikTok dance

Billboards have me convinced that car accident lawyers are theater kids who compromised with their parents dream! “Alright I’ll study law as long I still get to wear a costume sometimes!”

My New Year’s resolution is to go to planet fitness 5 days a week for an hour, but to only use the tanning salon

Whenever I let someone pay me with international currency it feels so aspirational! “Yes, someday I will make it to Iceland!”

Fires are the most fun natural disaster. Stop, drop, and roll sounds like a good time. With an earthquake it’s just take shelter and pray

Seriously considering leaving Alaska Airlines airless after years of loyalty if they don’t reevaluate their relationship with The Boeing Company to an airline that prioritizes safety and doesn’t have a recent history of covering up safety issues.

For the record when my jokes bomb, I wrote them myself :)

I just learned about burnt toast theory, and it turns out I’m not a late person I’m just the luckiest guy alive

I did what anyone would have done #JenniferCoolidge

Me going through Clear at the airport: Clear Employee: Fingers or eyes sir? Me: I’m more of an ass man actually

Planet Fitness is a discounted Korean Spa without the restaurant

Doing this fun taping for OFTV next Monday at the Ice House!

Making the rounds in Texas :)

I’m an airmarshall flying cross country with a dangerous inmate with multiple charges for murder & history of escaping custody. We get to our row on the plane and there is couple sitting in our assigned seats seats. The man say “This isn’t a problem right!?” 1/10 👇

Hired a dog trainer and if you haven’t it’s so worth… 90 minute session and I learned how to sit

Patiently waiting to see which Puerto Rican comedian Tony Hincliffe makes a regular on Killy Tony next week