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It is my god given right to not let Teslas merge.

Maybe we could solve homelessness in nyc if Sleep No More hired them as they are, immersive artists.

If you’re rooting for outie Mark, you’re monogamous. Innie Mark, you’re poly.

Corey Booker’s kegel game is unreal.

Must be nice to have the healthcare to battle double pneumonia. I’d lose at single pneumonia for sure.

Palace in the sky sounds like an airborne brothel.

Ordered an umbrella to my office. Delivery guy made me find him in the rain. He was using it so to everyone around us it looked like I demanded a man give me his umbrella.

I went to a hypnotist to lose weight and it worked. I smoke 3 packs a days instead of meals.

ChatGPT therapy will only be legitimate when only your rich friends can afford the good ones.

Eat the rich? No, eat full grown adults without back pain. Absorb their power.

I support the Clark-Reese rivalry because my name is Caitlin Reese and according to the Google alerts set for my name it’s the closest I’ll ever get to being mistaken for black.

The worst dog owner you know has two little shit sticks on the end of a flexi leash.

I got catcalled by a school bus and was relieved to know those kids were safe.

If I ever gave a commencement speech it would be dinner recipes that cost $5 or less.

Can we find a new hobby for all the models doing standup comedy? Standup is for misfits not folks who could get hired for Calvin Klein underwear ads.

Me to a bald man: “Is the basement hardwood floors as well?”

I go to work and let my dog watch me from a live cam so she sees how good girls don’t bite people at the office even when we want to.

Stranger danger used to be a creepy guy in a candy truck and now it’s ICE.

A white guy called a black woman a pussy for saying something racist. Just waiting for someone trans to call them both the r word to collect all the rings of the Oppression Olympics.

Stranger on subway showing me his phone: Guess what I saw today? I’ll give you a hint. It’s an opossum. Me: That’s not a hint, and that’s a fox.