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Questions I will make the Census Bureau ask when I become president in 2020: 1. Did you letter in high school? 2. How many DVDs do you own? 3. How many championship rings do you have? 4. Did you finance your waterbed? 5. How many No Fear t-shirts do you own? #Letterman2020

I support the #Dominos strike and all workers who walk out to be treated fairly and not forced to die so someone can get cheesy bread. I’m lucky enough not to have a job where I’m exposed to sick people for shit money. No one should have to work sick. Dominos prints money.

I gave a half roll of toilet paper to a homeless person today. I'll be making a six-hour documentary about it on Instagram, so make sure you tell all your friends and family about me.

So you're going crazy under lockdown? I know the feeling. I've been in Beijing for the last two months. My housemate is away and I'm thousands of miles from my family. I have some thoughts on how to make lockdown better. These won't apply to everyone, but they ring true for me:

New episode of Mid Flight Brawl Podcast out now! We've gone from Jetstar jackasses to First Class fuckwits. We've got an athlete-turned-actor going berko up the pointy end. Get around it. iTunes: podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/mid… Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/1iFcWqWsW… Podbean: midflightbrawl.podbean.com

Big take away from corona - people are infinitely more dumb and annoying than ever suspected

Lockdown argument with my wife. "The Killers version of Romeo & Juliet is better than Dire Straits'"

Love being scolded about making sacrifices for the common good by politicians who idolize Thatcher and jerk off over bootstraps and want to privatize oxygen

Your quarantine nickname is how you feel right now + the last thing you ate. My name is Sick Bat.

New Mid Flight Brawl Podcast podcast out now! Thanks to everyone that has checked out the first two 🤙 This episode, we're heading back to 2018 and hopping on board AA 2446 in Miami which is bound for Chicago. Boozing, swearing, fighting and for the first time, TASERS! Get it!

There is heaps of room everywhere and no lines. The whole world is business class. #Blessed

Goddamn Coronavirus #UFC

This week, Mid Flight Brawl Podcast is back up the pointy end of the plane, where a Wall Street executive has lost it. Figuratively and literally.  Easily the filthiest story yet.  Spotify: open.spotify.com/episode/7iPFjF… Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mid…

My 4 year old son just told me he wants to donate his Easter basket to “Those people in the hospital”, lol what the fuck are they gonna do with a chocolate bunny and a Blu-Ray of Frozen 2? He’s so dumb, I hate being a father!

Get your screens tuned to comedy because our care package is about to kick off! Packed with laughs and good times - and it all kicks off at 8.30 tonight on abctv! #MICF

😂😂😂

Everybody give it up for the wonderful Daniel Sloss & his new book

Absolutely no one: Daniel Andrews: Go Dons

New EP of Mid Flight Brawl Podcast out now! Spotify, Apple Podcasts and wherever else you get em... Thanks to all the legends who have listened in so far!