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Um if corporations aren't people then how do you explain Pete Buttigieg

Have to say my anxiety is at an all time low since letting go of all hope for a better future

Hillary Clinton every comedian 🤝 Wanting to be president but becoming a podcaster

I grew up in the richest country in the history of the world and I owe the government a fully loaded Camry for a degree from a college in Florida

List of things in order of how much I care about them: 1) Everyone and every thing on Earth, in the sea, in space, and throughout the known and unknown universe 2) Joe Biden's dogs

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are back in the Super Bowl! Feels like 2003 again. The Iraq war is just getting started and I am in middle school, getting broken up with for a kiss that was 'too wet'

Whatever side of the political aisle you fall on, I think we can all agree that I am the problem

Me eating one leaf after a weekend of absolute garbage diet: I am the picture of health

Glad open mics are back! I love telling bad jokes to bad people in bad bars

Two shows tonight with Paul Virzi Joe Bartnick Tyler Horvath Get tickets at SIDESPLITTERSCOMEDY.COM

Three shows tonight with Paul Virzi Joe Bartnick Tyler Horvath

This place is incredible

Just started therapy and pleased to report that I am now absolutely insufferable

Smart House was the first episode of Black Mirror

There are a lot of bad texts to wake up to but a Taco Bell receipt might be the worst

Every time I get a haircut I give them zero information and am furious when they don’t give me exactly what I’m looking for

I’m the guy when you’re playing golf who wiggles his butt for a little too long before each shot

Finally, an Uber joke.

Good therapy session, coach! 🏀 w/ Tyler Horvath

Tariffs WILL bring back manufacturing. All of the breweries WILL be turned back into factories and warehouses. We WILL repurpose those workers. Their beards WILL get stuck in the machines.