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Anyone who shaves their eyebrows off immediately looks like an evil German submarine officer during WW2

Cheap cocaine is charlie, expensive cocaine is charles

(new way of cumming) fuck baby i'm gonna piss yourself

she rogan my joe til i experience

I hate you as much as shredded wheat hates the 4 cardinal directions

As a plumber, I find the term plumber offensive. I prefer the term: pipe surgeon

i flipped over a rock in the woods and the grubs all knew you

Me when a woman is speaking

*shaking my head in the mall* "who would build a bear into this world right now?"

Guy who’s only seen sardines in the wild commenting on a wide-open space: We’re like sardines out here

ginko biloba is a beautiful name for your hobbit daughter that you hate

Talked to friend today. Full time job but cant afford down payment on a house. Late 20s. Single. Huge cock. Balls same size as eachother. No kids. Bulging vein running all the way up the shaft is begging to be touched. Has given up on ever owning a home. Things are bleak indeed

Hat Trick are proud to present a BBC Comedy Short by Uncle Shortbread about the dangers of sleep deprivation, the brutality of the music industry, and the power of Iggy Pop’s hip thrust. Starring Colin Hoult and produced by @nickcoupe_ Available on BBC iPlayer tomorrow🎶🐦

We made a short film with BBC Three called Birdsong. It's out now on BBC iPlayer, get your thumbs over there and have a look, if you like! Link below: 🐦‍⬛ bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episod…