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Happy Father’s Day to all the men I’ve called daddy before, they’re all married with kids now but they still try to sext me on Facebook messenger lol

The trouble with "living in the moment" is that you have to live in the bad moments too.

The only way that distance relationship can work is if the FOUR of you involved are very understanding.

omg i had this nightmare where me and the girls were doing a bunch of meth and i casually ate a handful of meth and then i couldn't see to drive and i was trying to figure out how to call my dad to come pick me up but i couldn't find him. i was cooked. anyhoo happy fathers day

got my dad a foldable shopping cart and he immediately put the cat and dog in it and drove them around the house, great success

Don't push a green popsicle on me. If you don't have red, say so.

this is who is tweeting

I’m not that smart, and even I knew it was dumb to send your DNA in to one of those ancestry databases.

threesome but only two survive

Sure it can be all about you again

I don't care what your NGO does. I DO care what your NGO wants to keep me from doing.

Foolproof?!? Stand aside

Did we take over Greenland yet I'd really like to get Abba back together

yes you can pay me in cigarettes

men look best with all of their clothes on, i don't wanna see wrist or ankle or neck you fucken sluts

it is a crime that men walk around shirtless, less shirtless more brainless

no it's renege, not renigg

i can't have a job when my cat exists, she misses me too much. i deserve some maternity leave

i cannot live anywhere where the humidity gets below 55 or i instantly look my age (103)

when i'm expecting to see your cool new walking stick and you show me some freaky bug