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Academic freedom is not unlimited. Your academic freedom ends where the board of regents begins.

Development said they texted Gavin Newsom for money, but he didn’t respond.

On the issue of whether we should have a king in this country, the college is maintaining its policy of staying neutral on political issues. But just in case….. “Long Live the King”

I know you think you are helping but please stop telling our new faculty that they need to figure out their side hustle because they can’t live on what the college pays them.

You don’t have to lack self awareness to be an associate dean but it definitely helps!

We aren’t fixing something that isn’t broken, we are getting ahead of it becomes a problem.

It is not that we are firing you, your job just doesn’t exist anymore.

We know. In order to fire you as a tenured prof we had to make sure your department didn’t exist anymore. Seemed worth it.

How is your summer vacation going? Must be nice to have three months off every year!!!

Sorry for laughing, I didn’t realize you were trying to make a serious point. You have to admit, it is funny coming from you.

It’s easy to spot the full professors, they write very little but never stop talking and offering advice to their junior colleagues. The advice was never very good, but is less helpful with each passing year.

The college has expressed its opinion, we expect our faculty to share it.

So you finished your first book and want to know if you need an agent? That’s cute. I know your publisher. You’ll be lucky to get enough royalties to reload your Starbucks app.

Yes, it is true, I am leaving the university. I will heading a new (as yet unnamed) accreditor for real American universities.

HR accidentally sent termination letters to all of the faculty. Many of you will get an apology. Others should accept the first letter at face value. You know who you are.

The new electronic keys work off your ID. If your lock doesn’t work, DON’T push the reset button on the lockbox. It will reset the whole building.

If the homeless students want you to be their faculty in residence, that’s fine. It doesn’t mean you can sleep in your car overnight on campus.

No, your colleague wearing a Trump 2028 hat isn’t a Title IX violation. We can’t punish him or fire him.

As a graduate student, his research doesn’t show much promise. It isn’t especially innovative, methodologically rigorous, or theoretically compelling. His willingness to throw his co-authors & professors under bus when he underachieves though shows real administrative potential!

You can’t quit before the dean throws you under the bus.