Order pickup, get home and realize I got a half a serving of everything.... seriously Chipotle

1620: Watch, games gonna be 31-28. #SuperBowl

Come to think of it, I forgot how I got to the party before Uber That being said, now I typically just don't remember the party altogether.

Are you really a Stanford Alumnus if you're still flying coach at the airport? #prollynot

Hope we stay airborne once again #InFlight

Everybody hating on United Airlines but they just got tons of free publicity #nosuchthingasbadpublicity

Got high on 4/20 a couple times. Don't worry Mom, it was prescribed pain killers #percocet

How is it possible to have 8 headaches with only 1 head? Got a strong case of the monday's. #work

What coaches do after practice - Vol.5 #TrickShot #Basketball

If you close your right eye, your chance of DUI decreases by 0.00%. #factsforfun

Just got a $119 upgrade for free! Yes, it’s because I jumped seats and didn’t pay for it, but is still free #redeyeflight

Flight Attendant: You must be Smith your the last one. Me: Ya, and don’t rush me, I paid $11.64 for this flight. I’ll take my time.

[Another good tweet about flying]

Love when people say apart of when they mean a part of.

Hate scrolling through Facebook and seeing the same stupid meme’s every day for the last 2 months of 2017. Thought Zuck’s was better than this #firstnamebasis

People say having a beard in business is “unprofessional”, well okay but so is being bald and Bob from accounting still has a job... #freetheface

Same Guy Starting Each Round Of Applause trib.al/uGeLyDJ #SOTU

How freeskier Elizabeth Swaney made it to the #WinterOlympics with this very simple halfpipe run: bit.ly/2sFywrc

The problem is he’s a butthole with glasses so the flower makes him look like less of a butthole - Dad describing a Democrat on tv