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my bed is pressed up against the walls w my windows and they’re open and it’s raining and wow look at that I’m kinda glamping nbd

New Jersey • Tomorrow night • Power Bottom: The Best Damn Comedy Show in Asbury Park! With one of my absolute favs adrienne iapalucci headlining! Laugh + win with us 🥳 🎟️: etix.com/ticket/p/59580…

Today at Noon EST on Zac Amico's Morning Zoo! Join gasdigital.com to watch along live and use code ZOO at signup to unlock a SPECIAL DISCOUNT on your membership! allie mae Michael Turner ZAMidnightSpookshow

Best lineup in NYC 🔥 tomorrow night at the @thestandnyc with @dansoder Ari @aiapalucci @jiaoyingsummers + more

This is the second time since I’ve lived in NYC that I had a minute+ long laughing fit with the 311 operator. It’s the little things in life💐☺️

No, I’m not donating to your gofundme for your cats medical bills. I have my own medical bills, and also I ate a can of beans for breakfast.

😣 Lost my keys, including the only key to my Honda 🤡 99.9% sure I threw my drivers license away in the garbage 🐵 Yesterday I sat on a banana ‼️ If I don’t take Adderall twice a day, every day, I am hopeless

ifl Joey Diaz ☺️🙏

Every time I get a notification from a dating app I’m like ok, let’s see what kind of bullshit this is gonna be

All killers tomorrow nite at The Stand NYC + Brian St. John + FIGGY + jordan jensen + Mike Recine + @geoffreyasmus + Katie Boyle Hosted by allie mae and Abiyoyo F: thestandnyc.com/shows/show/109… use code DRIP and save $5 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

One day a week my servitude occurs in one of NYC’s biggest tourist traps. Yesterday a guy sitting at the bar asked if I was me & said you’re funny I’ve been to your show a few times. V cool. Anyway, if it’s good enough for him it’s good enough for u—DRIP tonight at The Stand NYC

So excited to be w the great Joey CoCo Diaz at one of my fav spots theDojoofComedyEAST tomorrow night ☺️☺️☺️ 🎟️ tiffscomedy.com/shows/320410

The other night I cried in front of a guy and he didn’t know what to do so he gave me his pocket knife and said “here I want you to have this, it’s my sharpest knife” 😭🥰

oh no!! I am at work and god is sending me his most retarded soldiers

Last week I reposted my friend’s story of us hugging and this guy replied “yo are you caked up fr or is this just a good angle” and I can’t stop thinking about how funny that is to me

Everyone's favorite showcase is back‼️😈

Two years ago my landlord hired Stanley Steemer to clean our vents and we got the guys drunk and they added me on Instagram and straight up I plan on being internet besties w this one dude for life!!! Sosa idk if we’re linked on Twitter too but if you can see this I fuss w you 😤

End cast w Ryan Shaner fun hang m.youtube.com/watch?v=xlc_jM…

My Cracked.com set is on YouTube hot off several months of sleeping 2/3 hrs a night! m.youtube.com/watch?v=0hwMWG… Photo by Mindy Tucker

We're all too p*rn-brained. Watch Allie's full set HERE! youtu.be/0hwMWGgbWPA allie mae