My favourite part of The Godfather is when the guy wakes up and screams because the Mafia has stolen the bottom half of the horse he keeps in his bed.

The little preview of every thread that appears on Instagram seems like the most exciting story in the world. And then when you click into it and read the whole thing, it’s the dullest story in the world.

Does anyone know where I could find a hot young bot with zero followers to like one of my replies from 2018

#Bing is a horror story about adults who are forced to look after toddlers who are twice their size and weight

Why did they call it a bra and not a booby trap?

In other news a guy on the train was playing loud music on his phone without headphones and when he got off the train THE POLICE ARRESTED HIM. Presumably for something else, mind, but it was still deeply satisfying.

If I was at a nightclub and the theme tune to JoJo and Gran Gran came on, I would absolutely DESTROY the dance floor.

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

I’m so happy for the family vomit / piss bowl, because it gets to spend one glorious night a year as the Hallowe’en snack bowl 🎃

In an ideal scenario the President of the United States and the worst person in the world would be two different people.

Word of the day is ‘recrudescence’ (17th century): the return of something terrible after a time of reprieve.

Why do novelists think ambiguous endings are the one? Oh yes I just invested in your character for 600 pages, do you know what I’d love? Absolutely no closure

It’s SAY NOTHING release day! So I can finally SAY SOMETHING about how I’m in it 😜 This is an extraordinary drama, spanning 4 decades of the Troubles in Northern Ireland. I pop up in a couple of wee scenes in ep 7, but you HAVE to watch this amazing show x #SayNothing

This is one of the best shows I've ever seen. SAY NOTHING, based on the incredible book by Patrick Radden Keefe, is mini-series storytelling at its best. Don't wait. All episodes drop today on FX Networks on Hulu.

🗣️ “A choice between heating and eating isn't really a choice at all.” It is time to end hunger and hardship. We're joining Joseph Rowntree Foundation and Trussell in calling on the UK Government to make sure Universal Credit covers the cost of the essentials we need to survive.

I haven’t been on here much because *gestures at everything* but I REALLY want you to know how funny, joyous & captivating #AKnightsTaleTheMusical is going to be. Rehearsals are just incredible… GET BOOKING MANCHESTER! ⚔️⚒️⚔️

Writer, actor and top woman Brona C Titley has adapted Brian Helgeland’s 2001 medieval action comedy A Knight’s Tale for the stage. It opens at Manchester Opera House this Friday, so Mickey Noonan got Brona to chat the whys, the hows, and the horses. buff.ly/NSaw544