I make less than 1/10th my wife’s income as an act of resistance

“Sir, we’ve used the most skilled editors and the most advanced AI to remove any phrases, words, even syllables that could possibly be twisted to sound pedophilic. We’ve been here for months. I beg of you; let us go home.” Drake- “CHECK IT AGAIN!”

NEW QUORATORS w/ the legendary CASEY JAMES SALENGO! → What if someone at school calls you Mr Potato head? → How do I sell more cows? → Why is “I don’t bite” offensive to straight people? and so so much MORE! go listen RIGHT NOW youtu.be/uxlrM8kaxxs

Someone got mad at me bc I spelled their name with an e instead of an a and, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t imagine being such a dork

“We’re moving to New Jersey but it’s only 3 stops away!” “Oh that’s not bad at all I’ll come visit all the time!” They never saw each other again

If you told me they remade road house and it’s somehow as incredible as the original but in its own unique way I would slap you right in the mouth. But then id learn you were right, apologize, and get myself into anger management classes.

Tried to microwave my sandwich in this hotel and now I gotta figure out how to unlock it

Lookin like cruises are about to get pretty affordable

I think it’s time I finally see if this “making lots of money” is all it’s cracked up to be

The fact that ppl are still talking about that jeans ad shows the absolute stranglehold big titties have on society

The downton abbey trailer looks like someone asked AI to make the most boring movie of all time

Denise Richards in the Charlie sheen documentary is the hottest she’s ever been

Just heard a cop on unsolved mysteries say “it was our opinion the murder may have been committed using… uhhh… one of those sword things.”

If Andy Reid beats me out of one more commercial audition I’m gonna lose it

Guy after show: “do you have a twitch?” Me: “sometimes my eye flutters a bit I read its tied to childhood trauma but it must be real bad bc I buried it deep.” Guy: “no like the streaming platform.” Me: “oh… no.”

Ben & Jerry’s is the only major company I know of that has repeatedly lobbied for Black American Reparations. Two older men with access who have no incentive other than justice, are now being punished and silenced for their unwavering support of Palestine. I’m not heartbroken, im

Argo f**k yourself

If Patrick Mahomes II had a shred of decency he would donate all his commercial earnings to me