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I don’t think my father, the inventor of the club, grinder, & submarine, would be too pleased to hear they’re now sandwiches where #gaysex happens.

People having babies rn is the most insane forced kamikaze mission I’ve witnessed since WWII.

I’m not strong enough to work at an ice cream shop — physically, nor mentally.

There’s nothing more embarrassing than being the perpetrator in a murder-attempted suicide.

I’ve been murdering Life. I pour the milk first.

No one: Homophobic dudes with fantasy football teams: “I beat his ass with my tight end.”

I’ll never go fully vegan because I love horse-betting too much.

Magic isn’t even that cool if consider that it’s just stealing.

I’ve never actually edged but I have seen the movie Tár.

Damn. Migos gonna be stuck on the tarmac.

“I want to spend forever with you” is just code for murder-suicide.

2023 is my year! to relapse. 🥳

The worst part about hiccups is everyone having an opinion.

A woman hits a certain age where her only two hobbies are smudging & NYT crosswords. (big flex)

Always & forever a friend & fan of the greatest news talent to hit the screen.

“Kick rocks” is an elitist level diss.

I just wanna be successful enough to have an airbrush t-shirt guy on retainer.

Favorite battle of my career.

Literally tweeting for a sketch