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Quite a few years ago Driving my girlfriend home from the pub I pulled into a secluded layby "Jump in the back" I said with a glint in my eye. "No I want to stay in the front with you" I took her home 🤣🤣

Out of Twitter jail Thank you to all of you who sent messages of support Too many to thank individually but much appreciated. Thanks to Silvana for putting the word out And Hoppo for tweeting in my name just worried you might get me banned again 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

This debate about shorts being worn at work I wear shorts all year round. SORRY not wear, DRINK 😊😊

At the funeral of a neighbour She was 88 and had out lived 6 husbands The eulogy was brilliant,her sister mentioned her husband's by name finishing with "together at last" Although I don't think she meant her husband's She actually meant her legs 😝😝

Just watched John Wick 3 I'm more worried about the dog getting to the hotel safely 😉😉

This turkey teeth fashion is getting silly now

I'm very rich, and I had a beautiful dog who was ill I thought shall I take it to the vets, couple of hundred quid Price of a decent meal out Then I thought, bollocks to that, Smithers shoot the bugger there's a good man

When I was a kid I read Robinson Crusoe. One thing has always baffled me. When he discovered Man Friday,he named him after the day of the week he found him. How the feck did he know what day it was 🤔🤔❓❓

Ladies,you can thank me later 😜😜😜😜

Just having a little whinge LOSER is someone who loses LOOSER is someone who's falling apart at the seams Feel better now ☺️

The comedy gift that keeps on giving

I've discovered the easy way to get a lovely little old lady to say "F*ck." Shout, "Bingo." 🐢💨

Just seen two planes above my house, spreading chem trails. These bloody tin foil hats are ridiculously hot in this weather,on top of that the reflection has blinded two motorists and set my neighbours house on fire. But I'm safe ☺️

Remember when you were a kid And you had mittens attached by a string, And your older brother used to grab one,so you punched yourself in the face.❓

It's MAGAs Sir Thousands of them,all wearing Trumps fragrance Permission to run away Sir We can't breathe 🤢

When I saw Rachel Reeves crying,I thought it would be great IF I could make political capital out of this. Then I get home and find my mum has thrown my favourite sock in the bin It's not fair 😭😟

You boy Has Anderson joined Corbyn and Sultana yet

Yes, but nevermind that People said nasty things about me And they still are 😢😢

It's started Decided to make a cup of tea and a ginger biscuit to dunk. Kettle boiled,poured in the hot water,realised I'd chucked in the biscuit instead of tea bag,that was on the work surface, laughing at me.