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Hey peeps. It's been a while. How have you all been? Has this place fallen apart yet? I've met so many amazing people on here, it would be great to hear from some of you.

And then there was the time I had to place an extremely pregnant Chihuahua under citizens arrest And while my actions may sound harsh and unnecessary, in my defense, that little bitch was about to litter. #DadJokes #BadPuns #SorryNotSorry #DidYouMissMe

I'm pretty sure the teller at my local bank is desperate to hook up with me, Every time I go there, I hear her say to her coworkers, "I need to get that guy alone." #DadJokes #BadPuns #SeeWhatIDidThere #Wordplay #YouKnowYouLoveIt

True story: When I first quit drinking, I felt a lot like Wayne Gretzky, I "missed all of the shots I didn't take."

I considered installing a Chuck E. Cheese style play-pit in my backyard for the neighborhood kids to enjoy, But I didn't have the balls. #BadPuns #SeeWhatIDidThere #YouKnowYouLaughedThough

#FoundInTrumpsBible A mean recipe for Cheeto dip

Why is it called a campaign slogan, and not a run-on sentence?

Amidst the chaos of yesterday's storm, I noticed that right out of thin air Katt Williams, Cat Stevens, and Kat Von D, along with Dog the Bounty Hunter, and rappers Snoop Dogg, and Nate Dogg had fallen into my backyard. It was really raining cats and dogs out there!

Sometimes, a joke will come to me that is so fun and twisted, and I'd so love to share it with you but then I remember that I'm still in show business, and I like working a lot.

Today, I learned a valuable lesson peeps, Holding a glass of milk during an earthquake does not a milkshake it make.

#CongratulationsElon You managed to ruin Twitter, but you won't ruin democracy.