Gonna sue my own business for unsafe work conditions 😎😎😎

I don’t know who needs to hear this, so I’m gonna find that out and then message it to them directly

Netflix is optioning the rights to the Queens Funeral for “The Great British Wake Off”

How about Dahm and Dahmer and it’s a comedy about two morons who drug and eat boys

“Take my wives, please!” —Henny Brigham Youngman

My absolute entire suggested Twitter feed is Olivia Wilde and I’m not sure what I have ever said or done to deserve this

Can’t believe Brittney Griner is leaving the Russian prison and taking a paycut to return to the WNBA

George W Bush can paint but Bob Ross could never do 9/11

Pharmacy Pro-Tip: When picking up a pain medication prescription for a family member and they ask if you have any questions, one question to NOT ask is “Can you supersize it for a dollar?”

Everything reminds me of her 😔😔😔

Seeing a lot of jokes about Mitch McConnell on here and I’d just like to remind everyone to have some respect because he’s still a human being who is going to die soon hopefully

*Me accidentally waking up at 6:56am before my 7:00am alarm* “Ok if I can fall asleep in one minute, I can sleep for 3 more minutes”

Sounds like cancer needs to hire Johnny Cochran

I don’t care who wins I just hope both Kendrick and Drake have a good time

Donated a lot of blood today to those little bibs at the dentist

These reporters are talking to Biden like you talk to your hammered friends about to drive home from the bar “Hey buddy are you sure you’re good??”

Damn if only there had been an even gooder guy with a gun

This is the EXACT vibe of a new comic trying crowdwork at an open mic

Lady Gaga implies the existence of The Tramp Gaga

Excited for a Kendrick / Elon Finals unless Trump can pull out a miracle comeback here