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Heaven.. A f*cking heaven of guitars.. F*ck that's obvious.. #guitartwitter

I had more sex before marriage than I had during marriage.... A lot more.

I'm sorry for telling everyone but I'm not leaving twitter.. I'm still going to tell shite jokes and tell ppl about the turtle that hates me.. Don't me tell you about the f*cking Siamese fighting fish.

Lads..... It's only 4 f*cking years.. He had 4 years before and he couldn't kill us.. And then there is the silver lining.. He can't serve again.. Congress will hold their nerve.. But seriously.. Just f*cking f*ck..

Remembrance should be about remembering the fallen NOT politics

Captain Blackadder: "How are you feeling, Darling?" Captain Darling "Ahm - not all that good, Blackadder. Rather hoped l'd get through the whole show. Go back to work at Pratt & Sons; keep wicket for the Croydon gentlemen; marry Doris. Made a note in my diary on the way here.

In surprising news Siamese Fighting fish actually fight.. So the death toll is rising rapidly.. I now have one fighting fish not two and I am missing 9 shrimp presumed missing in action. The turtle is not making a comment at this time.

In my defence I was probably taking drugs.

Marshall Law is trending because MAGA can't spell Martial Law. Gonna be a fun four "yeers."

You know that moment when a woman chats you up in a pub and all you want to do is go home and watch star trek with the two dogs, the turtle and the Siamese fighting fish? I think I got either old or pathetic. Probably both. I'm going home.

vorsprung durch technik

Sex apparently.

#ACDC

The 4 elephants in the room...

Abso-f*cking-lutely

She'd probably qualify IMHO.

All of them.

Hi Tesco On Good Friday I experienced the most awful and humiliating experience in your Hurst Park (Surrey) store. I popped in to pick up groceries on my way to visit friends. I used “scan as you go” as I always do, and paid £75.92 for my groceries, using my Apple Pay.