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I've always been into counter-culture, my paper towel holder and cookie jar look like farm animals.

Show them you love the outdoors with a fashionable kayak rack or a fleece vest, but sleeping in a bus stop is just overkill.

Read a funny tweet and then retraced the series of life events that led to me not thinking of it first. I blamed Zelda and Elle Macpherson.

"Don't mistake spineless for weakness." -Mollusk threat

My cat beat me in charades but it was unfair cause her clue was "prints," she just started licking herself and everyone guessed the singer.

Closing your eyes for a couple seconds is like playing "just the tip" when you're driving sleepy.

Just took out the recycling if anyone wants to borrow my cape.

Having to tell my daughter to shake the can of silly string counts as the sex talk.

Every girl that told you she was doing "fine," knows you're a monster.

Bugs me when people tell white lies like "Lincoln freed the slaves" or "Christopher Walken's a good dancer."

My mom just texted, "You're a great dad." But she doesn't know I just taught my 5 year old to curl her fingers so it forms the word "blood."

The Google Maps car came as my dork neighbor was raking leaves, I faked getting stabbed so our street won't look vulnerable on the internet.

Kinda worried Florence and the Machine might be teaching my 5 year old that pants are more optional than I led her to believe.

It's now considered impolite to say corn was called "maize" unless you're trapped in a corn maze with Korn and Willie Mays.

Tried giving my daughter the sex talk using charades but now she thinks babies come out of our index fingers like perverted wizards.

Strangers asking if I know where to score heroin feels like a scathing critique on my fashion sense.

In the right lighting a ramen seasoning packet could pass for a condom.

Corner stores get pretty liberal with the word "grocery," it makes me want to put "writer" in my bio.

One of the secrets to good parenting is a lack of credible witnesses.

Hope saying "bless you" when people sneeze makes my godlessness look smaller.